Best Practice #3 – Perception Check

Have you ever gotten into an argument or animated conversation with someone and after twenty or thirty minutes of frustrating, spiraling communication one of you says, “Oh, is that what you mean?”

Supreme Court Justice Louis D. Brandeis knew a thing or two about effective communication when he said, “Nine-tenths of the serious controversies which arise in life result from misunderstanding.”

In fact, I find that as much as 75 percent of my miscommunication with people happens when we unconsciously assume that we understand one another. It’s insidious. Without even realizing it, we wrongly assume that we understand each other.

Too often we fail to take the necessary time to listen carefully enough to perceive accurately what our conversational partner means. Mennonite theologian and counselor David Augsburger suggests that we bracket our judgments. We momentarily put our own views on hold––“in brackets”––while we make sure we understand one another’s meaning.

What’s needed is the communication skill of perception checking; that is, paraphrasing our understanding of each other’s meaning. This is especially important when our conversation or arguments include abstract concepts, strongly held ideas, or below-the-surface feelings.

Here’s how perception checking works. One of you says, “So, the way you see it is. . .” and put into your own words what you understand the other person to mean. You may also need to ask your partner, “Please tell me what you think I mean.” Then, don’t overlook the next important step: wait for each other to confirm or clarify that you accurately understand one another’s meaning––to each other’s satisfaction.

“Hear the other side,” says Saint Augustine. It may well be that pausing and taking the time to perception check what each other is getting at is the single most important skill we can use to help us create healthy communication and relationships where we feel understood and taken seriously.

Next time your conversation with someone begins to get frustrating, to spiral out of control, or you find yourselves talking round in circles, try this: pause and take the time to perception check your understanding of each other's meaning.

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