Best Practice #6 – Discover the 80%–100% Rule

With disagreements in problem-solving or decision-making situations, I have discovered that as much as 80% of the time there’s a 100% creative, mutually-agreeable, win-win alternative if we’ll just pause and ask ourselves these three questions:

•  What are we differing about?
•   What do we each want?
•   What options do we have? 

First, it helps to keep our differences clear by identifying the primary issue about which we are differing. Next, it helps to discover the goals we each seek. With this direction for our decision-making, we’re ready to discover a satisfactory, mutually-agreeable solution.

Here’s a real-life example. 

• Partner #1: I’d like to go to a movie tonight.
• Partner #2: No, I want to stay home.
• Partner #1: Come on, we did that last week. Let’s go to a movie.

To keep their communication effective and their frustration with one another at bay, it helps to clarify what they are differing about. The couple’s primary issue? How they are going to spend their time this night.

With focus and direction for their communication, our couple is ready to discover what they each want for the evening. Let’s say one partner has been home all day and wants to do something active for the evening. And the other partner wants to do something mindless and relaxing after a busy day at the office. Now they’re ready to discover a creative alternative that satisfies both of their goals.

Rather than consider either going to a movie or staying home, how about calling some friends and seeing if they’d like to play cards? That would be an active evening for the one partner and a mindless, relaxing evening for the other. One of their friends was busy that night but another was delighted to have their company and spend an enjoyable evening playing cards.

This creative option qualifies, then, as a 100% satisfactory, mutually agreeable alternative. And as their frustration with one another is lowered, their relationship is not strained in the process.

You should be able to find such alternatives in a large majority of similar situations. Think of one or two such situations from your personal life, try out these three questions, and see how they work for you. With practice, your communication and relationship outcomes should improve immensely.

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