Best Practice #4 – Use I-Messages

If failure to perception check accounts for a majority my miscommunication, then a good portion of the balance comes from being close-minded or judgmental. Such attitudes and behaviors precipitate defensiveness and make it very difficult to experience healthy relationships. 

In one of my sharing and support groups, one of our members had a habit of expressing his opinions with the phrase, “Well, we all know that. . . .” Such “you all know” judgments had a tendency to drive other members crazy, including myself.

While seeming to assume the rest of us agreed with whatever judgment he was expressing, much of the time his assumption was incorrect. Over time, this behavior created defensiveness among us and became a very exasperating problem for other group members. This frustration became a barrier to healthy communication and relationships.

This dysfunctional behavior was finally addressed in one of our periodic group assessment conversations. One of our members spoke to the offending member along these lines: “Do you remember a little while ago in your sharing, you began by saying, ‘well, you all know. . . .’? You do that often. It feels judgmental, and I end up getting defensive. I find it very frustrating. I’d really appreciate it if you’d learn to speak for yourself, and not also for me.”

Others may not, and often do not, see things the same way we do. It can be aggravating when part of our very being, our views, feel denied, misrepresented, or falsified. Turns out that this member didn’t mean to be judgmental, nor did he assume that we all agreed with him. It took some practice, but he learned to change the way he expressed his opinion without assuming we all agreed with him. And it made us all feel much more positive about our relationships with one another.

It helps to use I-messages, to own our own judgments, rather than speak for someone else, assuming they agree with what we have to say. For example, we can say, “The way I see it this. . . .How do you see it?”

Defensiveness arises because hardly anything pushes our buttons faster than having our selfhood or integrity violated. And as a result, relational health is understandably a frequent casualty. 

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